A year ago today… I almost died. The doctors saved me, obviously. A lot has happened over this last year. My year of rebirth. The doctors still say they are amazed I survived. I’m not amazed. Just befuddled as to what my purpose is now. There must be one. There’s a reason I’m still here.
Grief comes whenever something ends.
The dictionary definition of “grief” is: deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death.
We experience deep sorrow due to the death of many things. Not just someone’s death. Deep sorrow due to the death of a relationship. The death of a dream. The death of a perceived reality. Death of a pet. We experience many moments of grief over our lifetimes.
Currently experiencing grief of my own, I decided to lightly research it so I might understand it better. I came upon a list of the 5 stages of grief, first proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying.” As I read, I decided that each stage surely has a color associated with it, just as each Chakra in our energy.
Stage 1 is denial and isolation. Blocking out what is truly happening and trying to hide from the reality. This color is “Purple”… the color of analgesia.
Stage 2 is anger. Anger with what has happened. Anger at the loss. Anger at the Universe for allowing us to be put in a situation where loss was the result. Anger at the thing or person that was lost. Anger at ourselves for feeling angry. This color is definitely “Red”… color of fire and rage.
Stage 3 is bargaining. We make up scenarios in our mind of how we could have avoided the loss, what we could have done different. We beg God or the Universe, or both, to make it all okay again. This color is “blue”… the color of peace and order.
Stage 4 is depression. In my opinion, we probably stay in this stage the longest of all. Depression is an individual expression. We all move through it differently. The depression stage more than likely encompasses all five stages of grief. Although black is not a color, I see this stage as “Black”… we put ourselves into the dark so we see nothing yet see it all on a very deep level. Black is the culmination of all color.
Stage 5 is acceptance. Having finally digested the loss, we move into the reality of it. The reality that it has happened and that it cannot be changed. Resolving ourselves to the fact that it is indeed a part of our past, yet still holding onto the memory. This color is “green”. Green is the color of healing and growth.
It would be nice if we could move through each of these steps one at a time, ticking each one off the list as we complete it. The reality of it is that we do not. We skip back and forth between colors. Some days are easier than others. These are the colors of our lives. The energetic motions we take on in order to assimilate this life we have chosen to live.
A friend of mine asked, “How are you?” As I laughed, I replied with my typical weary snarkiness, “Suicidal…” His reply to my answer was far from what I expected. He began to explain to me that I was not suicidal, but in his opinion, more self destructive. He then gave me a description of my life the last 2 years or so, as he saw it. I was shocked and horrified as he metered out “his version” of “my life.” How I let myself want more from things that were never meant to fit. How I cried myself into sheer exhaustion over people who claimed to have loved me, but only treated me with disdain and worse, were apathetic to my pain. How I neglected my stress levels and health, subsequently suffering a cardiac event. I explained to him how none of these things did I do on purpose, and given that fact, how could he deem me ‘self destructive’? “Life happens!”, I told him. He replied, “The core reason for these things make them self destructive. You do not love and value yourself. THAT is self destructive!”
I knew he was right.
I thought I was taking care of ME… I stand corrected.
We all work so hard toward goals we create for ourselves. We need goals in our life. These goals keep us moving, keep us breathing… give us purpose. However, goals aren’t always within our reach, no matter how hard we work. Not reaching a goal does not make us a failure. We don’t always get out what we put in to something. It’s a fact of life. Once we come to terms with this, life becomes more fluid and easier to deal with. Sometimes, not reaching a goal is a blessing in disguise. Sometimes… it’s just meant to be that way.
Here’s the bad news: Many of us are tired. Tired of the rat race, our own personal lives… tired of being. Some of us are only tired physically. Some, mentally. Some, both.
Here’s the good news: What we tire of gives us clarity into what we really value. It shines a light onto what matters most to us. No one tires of something they truly love. We may become complacent, frustrated, or bored. We may play victim of circumstance. But, ultimately, what we love becomes a wellspring of hope… never a pool of exhaustion.